all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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