If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
