The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
