she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
