I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
