Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
