So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
