"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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