I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
