my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
