yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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