Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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