I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
