dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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