I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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