the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
