1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
