Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Randomize
