Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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