so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
