Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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