so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
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He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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