Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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