My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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