I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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