I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
