She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
