my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
