My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Randomize
