My sheets look like a crime scene.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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