You smell like stripper and shame
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
