I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
