After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
