I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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