I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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