If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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