I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
