I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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