her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
