when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
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She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
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Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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