I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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