Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It's never too late to be topless.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
