Her vagina should come with caution tape.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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