i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
