I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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