It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
