Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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