My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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