Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
