just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
