I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
