dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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